Melancholy

I need to get over this whole feeling like the world owes me something. Especially, when it comes to friends. I hate to sound like i’m not satisfied with what I have but I just feel like there has to be more to life. Everytime I see ppl whom I grow up with who are all still really close to each other, I think "What happened to us?" I am always wondering why I am on the outside looking in. Then feelings of inadequacy wash over me. I know I’m beautiful, inside and out. But sometimes its hard work to convince myself of it. I feel disadvantaged. Like everybody else has more of everything. And i’m not the jealous type so feeling covetous over the things other ppl have does not sit well with me. After my dealings with that asshole its like i’ve lost all sense of self. I hate him for that too. For making me feel like I’ll never be good enough for anybody. Like all the ppl I once called friends are only looking for opportunities to stab me in the back. I keep waiting. Waiting for the day when people will realize that I’m a good person and I’m worth knowing. But i’ve been waiting 12 years for that day and I don’t think its ever going to come. I thought I had gotten to a place where I could be comfortable enough with who I am not to care whether or not I make lasting friendships with others, but that’s not true. I’m always gonna yearn for that closeness. Especially in moments like these when I feel like nobody loves me. I hate him for making me feel so inadequate. "Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent." Its true, but after 5 years of dealing with someone, its hard not to let their viewpoints and actions towards you affect the way you view yourself. Okay, i’m done crying now. I need to study.

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