Memoirs of an Insomniac

So I find myself fully awake at the oddest of times like 3:45am. Right now I’m awake because I still have school related work to finish but for some reason my mind digresses. I keep thinking about today. I am so glad I took to time to talk Mrs. T. I have a lot more peace about my situation. Now everytime ‘he’ crosses my mind, I say a prayer for myself to move past this hurt, and for him to find what he is looking for. Just because someone does not add value to your life doesn’t mean you shouldn’t pray for them. I keep going back on facebook and I see the pictures of different guys that have blown through my life. I regret a lot of my decisions just because I knew and know that God was not a part of my dealings with these dudes. I feel like I have cheapened myself in a lot of ways and in past situations i have compromised my standards. Its not enough now to boast about the fact that I’m not participating in SOME acts of immorality, I need to be able to say that I am participating in NO acts of immorality. Because ultimately it is I who would have to explain my actions to God. I am glad I have a merciful God because only His mercy has sustained me this long despite the HORRENDOUS mistakes I’ve made. I think for the most part I’ve forgiven myself for my checkered past, but there are still some things that are hard to let go. I feel like they have come to ‘define’ me as a woman and I HATE that! I don’t want to be bound by my past. But I always feel like I have to explain myself and confess my past wrongdoings every single time I get into a serious relationship. Luckily for me this time, he and I broke up before he got the chance to find out just how many issues I have, but still. I am still gonna have to explain my past to my husband, whoever he might be, aren’t I? I don’t know. I’m scared and I don’t want to be hurt or betrayed. I just need to wrap myself up completely in God so that I would not even have room for any other thoughts. Well considering that I have class in 5 hours and I still have 4 classes worth of readings/assignments to prepare for, I guess I’ll get back to studying.

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