Afraid to Love

Lately I’ve been witnessing some reasonably intelligent women doing extremely stupid things because of ‘love’. Most of the time these women aren’t “in love” per se. They are just in pursuit of it. They are with someone with whom they want to share a loving relationship so they are sacrificing their self esteem, body image, sanity, dignity and even their health just for the sake of having someone. Right now I am very very single. I try to live my life in the now so I am enjoying being single without being trapped in it. I expect to meet someone worthy of my time but for now I am simply a party of one and I am trying to appreciate that one-ness. Now, here is my dilemma. Because ultimately I also want to be in loving relationship, I find myself open to new people who want to be with me but at the same time I am apprehensive that I am going to turn into these ‘fallen’ women that I am witnessing all around me. I don’t want to get so caught up in having someone that I lose my sense of self. I enjoy being independent, free thinking, ambitious and strong. However, I am also romantic, emotional, affectionate and needy. Yeah, I said needy. I need to be called and asked how my day went. I need to be shown affection on a regular basis. I need words of affirmation and love and I need to feel like I am cared for. My fear is that because I am ready to be in a loving relationship, I will start sacrificing the reasonable parts of myself trying to make any new guy in my life the next great love of my life. I don’t want to be that woman. So right now, I am kind of afraid of love. I’m afraid of letting anyone get to close because I know the capacity they have to hurt me. I am afraid of loving someone before they are ready to love me in return. I am afraid of loving someone who is not worthy of me. I am afraid of love. It might help if I provide you with some real world examples. Okay, so right now I am semi talking to someone. He’s a good guy and he’s affectionate and he calls me on a regular, all of which I like. But, the first time we had a serious conversation he told me point blank that he was talking to someone else. He was honest about the situation. He said they had been talking for a while but nothing has developed because she is in another location and he does not do the long distance relationship thing. BUT, she is trying to come and visit him in the near future and he does not know what if anything will develop from there. So i kind of feel like I’m being warned about a oncoming bus right before I get run over. So that if I get hurt, its my fault because I should have gotten out of the way. A part of me wants to jump ship and high tail it out of there. The other part of me, the part that is ready for a real relationship, feels like its worth a shot. I feel like I’m trying to talk myself into doing something stupid. I am afraid to ask for anyone’s advice because I am afraid they will confirm the truth that I’ve known all along, that I need to leave him alone. A part of me wants to make him an ultimatum and tell him to take or leave it, but I”m not sure if I’m ready to deal with those consequences quite yet. I’ll keep you posted on who wins between my heart and my head.

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