Conflicted

Despite the fact that I’m the one that makes my private emotions public by writing them online, I still hold on to the right to be pissed when something someone else writes rubs me the wrong way. I’m having not-so-warm feelings (I can’t narrow it down, it’s somewhere between irritated and pissed) that there are still people who do everything in their powers to alienate others simply because they don’t hold the same belief systems. I am highly pissed (that emotion I do recognize) at how people mistreat someone who made a mistake but managed to bounce back but then expect NOT to be judged when they fall short. Of course I can’t be anybody’s judge, I’m not God. But I have been given a knowledge of right and wrong and I’m proud to say I know the difference. Neither my thoughts nor my actions are 100% correct but I don’t see a spade and call it a heart. If you messed up, you messed up. Point, blank, period. If you’re bouncing back, then give thanks to God for that. But how DARE you put up this holier-than-thou facade on your shortcomings and crucify others for theirs? It’s not right and it’s not acceptable. You can call me what you want, you can say I have no right to judge but I beg to differ. If I see something that I know within the very marrow of my bone to be WRONG, I’m telling you that’s it’s wrong. But that is really not the conflict I’m having. I’m conflicted because I’m stuck between being polite and fake or being truthful and cruel. The truth that I’ve been holding back, forcing down and keeping from escaping from my lips is not a nice truth. It’s down right evil but it is how I truly feel. I’ve done everything in my power to try and feel different – better. But I don’t, the feelings I’m beating back are dark ones. Inspired by years of being abused by fair-weather friends and being slandered by wolves in sheeps clothing. I can put a nice face on most things, even when I don’t feel good about them. So being polite has never been a problem for me; my parents thought me well. The problem arises when my passion and anger are at odds with my notions of civility. I personally think it is important to show class at any given opportunity. I think it is comendable to be civil in tough situations and I value others who prove themselves to be epitomes of grace and can be the bigger man/woman in confrontations. With that said, I’m having EXTREME difficulty following my own rules. I typically say if you don’t have anything nice to say then don’t say anything at all. But with each moment of silence I endure, I am reciprocated with a different flashback of past wrongdoing. And I am so so so tempted to come out with claws flying. So tempted. But the classy-grace-under-fire part of me won’t let me give in completely. And that leaves me completely conflicted because I can’t even predict my own behavior. I don’t know that when another opportunity to fly off the handle present itself, whether I’ll behave graciously or ghastly.

I just had a thought…

Maybe it would be easier for me to exhibit grace-under-fire and be gracious and compassionate in this particular situation if I have love for the people in question. But the sad reality is that I don’t. I use to… but after years of being bitten over and over again, I have learned not to love them. After years of having the love I have for specific people thrown in my face and being ridiculed for being a LADY instead of a TRAMP or a SCAMP, I am now well-trained on not loving said-persons. I keep them out of my heart and at arm’s length were they cannot hurt me or cut me or kill me or watch me bleed just for fun. These persons are the reasons I value the quote "God please protect me from my friends; I can take care of my enemies". So maybe if I can learn to love them once again – despite the fact that showing emotion of that nature to individuals such as these is like putting a gun with a hair trigger in the hands of a toddler- maybe if I can unlearn some of the despise I’ve internalized and get rid of the HUGE distrust I have for them then maybe this wouldn’t be a conflict.

…I would be  capable of being polite without being fake; being both courteous and sincere.

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