So because today is the last day of 2008, I have this overwhelming need to reflect. This year began with me continuing my relationship with my love. Things were rough but we held on to one another and prayed to God to see us through to better times. We almost didn’t make it. There was a brief period of time that my heart wouldn’t let me continue in a relationship that wasn’t happy just for the sake of being with someone. So I made the crucial decision to let him go only to realize that there is never a testimony without a test. So we worked on it, prayed about it and kept it together for the sake of our future together. This year more than a handful of friends and acquaintances became first-time parents; some were married, most were not. I had an opinion on all of them but mostly I was just thankful to God that He gave everyone good health and He blessed the women with the ministry of motherhood. I won’t lie, I had a few weak moments this year when I gave in to sheer pettiness and hatred. I rejoiced in the misery of those I considered my nemesis. I laughed when they were publically humiliated. I jumped for joy when all their secret shameful dealings were aired like dirty laundry. But 2008 also taught me a few thing about what it means to be gracious. I learned to forgive people for wrongs that they committed when they didn’t know any better. I learned how to give second chances to best friends who became enemies and now want the chance to be friends again. I learn to keep my nose out of other’s business no matter how much I feel like I had every right to judge the situation at hand. I went through ups and downs with my best friend – wavering between letting her go and fighting for what we once had. And I finally realize that I can’t be everything God wants me to be if I keep pushing away all the people He wants to use to unlock my destiny.
Now I feel like doing something that could get me in a lot trouble. I want to list all the people who contributed significantly to the things that happen in 2008 and say what I never got a chance to say to them this year.
To my love: Thank you for being man enough to stand by me even through out our toughest times. Thank you for listening to my ideas and thoughts even when you don’t believe the same things. Thank you for compromising with me about the things that mean the most to me and just for being you. Regardless of what God has in store for us, you will always be my heart.
M: Thank you for being more than just my brother’s girlfriend but for actually being my friend and my sister in Christ. With every conversation with you I feel like God is building me up to a higher place. I love that we can laugh about stupid things, talk about our men and pray together all in a single session. I love you.
B – A big part of me wants to believe that I’ve forgiven you but there’s still a tiny bit of my heart that doesn’t want to wish you well. I pray that God Almighty will let me heal and let go of the friendship we once had and stop rejoicing in your pitfalls. You deserve to live your life free of my ill wishes and I deserve peace. Good luck with everything you want to do with yourself. I can’t lie to myself and say that we could ever be friends again but I don’t wish you any evil.
E – We’ve known each other for a long time but this year has shown me how much your friendship really means to me. I am so happy for you that God provided you with the man of your dreams and I lift your marriage up in prayers as often as I can. I can’t wait to continue to build this sisterhood with you.
B-Squared – I know you have the right to live you life as you please but I can’t help but say something. This year you’ve grown in a lot of ways that scare me. The one thing I thought would always be true about you just completely changed and I’m still trying to come to terms with that. I love you and I want you to be happy but for someone who has been there with you through every serious relationship you’ve ever had, I just need to tell you to be careful. I beg you with all my heart, please be careful. You know what it is.
G – Along the same line as B-Squared. I’ve seen you grown in a lot of ways this year and some of it has been good and some of it gave me great concern but nevertheless, you have the right to grow up and make your own decisions. I want to commend you on not letting live harden your heart against love, even though what you’ve endured over the last 3 years gave you every right to do so. Work on letting people in, and letting them prove themselves and not counting anyone out. Even if people disappoint you, learn to forgive them for your sake, not theirs. God has something tremendous planned for you so take time to read His Word and talk to Him in prayer and He’ll guide you in everything you ever wanted to do.
A-Squared – A part of me never thought that I would completely forgive you but because you have proved yourself to me throughout this whole year, I can finally say that I have. Thank you for stepping up and admitting your faults. And I know I had my share of the blame too but the fact that we could be adults about our situation lets me know that we are going to great friends for a very long time. I’m glad I have my friend back.
E – I hope you have learned to trust me with your feelings and with your friendship. I wouldn’t betray it. I promise you that my heart is exactly where it wants to be and I would never go back and betray your trust like that. And I’ve had more than one opportunity to do but it wasn’t in my heart and it will never be. I pray for you and I know that God will sustain you and the source of your happiness.
S – I still owe you an apology for everything that went down over the course of our friendship but I know you know that I’m sorry. I am glad you’ve found happiness and I pray that God will always sustain you two. I also hope you know I have no regrets about where we both are in our different lives. God knows the end from the beginning. I hope that we can continue to be friends and that your union will be blessed.
OB -I wish I could say that because I moved on, all is forgiven. But it’s not. Something is not letting me let you go. I don’t really wish you any harm, but I don’t wish you well. Whenever your name comes up, my blood still boils. Mostly because I still feel in my very soul that you owe me an apology. I know it was my own fault for thinking you were a grown up but still, even if you have the brain of a 10 year old, you still know right from wrong and you did me wrong. I hope that God will give me the grace to let you go and not let anything you do or anyone else you are with affect me. Because I already know you will never own up to the damage you caused and you will never apologize for it – but I’m just gonna pray that God let’s me be okay with that.
O-Cubed – You know I love you. There’s never any question about that. This year was rough for us mostly because I had a lot I was dealing with and I didn’t think anyone, not even you, could relate. I was resentful because everyone was getting what they wanted out of life and I wasn’t moving ahead as quickly as I wanted to. I am glad we were able to weather the storm. A part of me still feels like I betrayed you by doing what I did in April of last year but I know that even if I did, you’ve mostly forgiven me. Sometimes I wish I could take it back because I know it would make our worlds so much easier. Because now it’s like the stakes are far too high. One wrong move in this area could ruin our friendship, as much as we both say that we wouldn’t let it. Reality is reality. But anyway, I hope that you know that nothing in this world, not even my own stubborness, will make me leave your side. I love you and I thank God for you. We compliment each other perfectly and I think God designed it that way.
I think about it hard enough I am sure I could come up with more to say but for now, these are all the things I never got a chance to say in 2008. Happy New Years everyone and God Bless.