As I Am At this Moment in Time

Trapped in the same mindset that had me living a life without purpose for so many years, my greatest fear is that I’ll get older without growing. I keep trying to break out of the box, the same box with the same old labels – “Insecure, dramatic, confused, double-minded, fickle, unreliable, untrustworthy, failure” – the same old labels that haunted me back in my days of fumbling to find an identity – seemed like these labels never went away. I just hid them under new ones, hoping that the top layer would never peel away to reveal the mess that i am on the inside. Trapped inside the same habits that kept me from truly loving anyone the way I wanted to be loved, I find myself susceptible to the same sins and shortcomings. Holding on to one love and always seeking for something more out the corner of my eyes. It’s not fair. Divided hearts always crumble. I’m tired of living a lie. The person I am on the inside doesn’t match the person I proclaim to be. Duplicity. It disgusts me so much when I see it in other people so why and how can it live within me? I don’t give anyone everything – I give everyone a little bit. I will never let anyone know me completely. There are parts of me that if revealed, would turn worlds upside down, destroy friendships and damage lives. And what good does it do anyone if letting someone know me as I truly am will only cause anguish to those I love the most. The only one I can’t hide from is God. So don’t find it odd that I cry every time I pray – they are usually tears of shame. Because HE saw me when nobody else could see the ugly things that lied in me – and for that I have every reason to be ashamed. So I cry and I ask HIM to cleanse me all the same. And even while I strive for growth and strength and deeper roots in HIM, as soon as I find my foothole, i stumble and fall again. What in the world is this?

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